So as I type in numbing pain from the “congestedness” of my kidneys I peruse past stupid things I’ve done in the past year. It kills time and makes me smile at my own stupidity; like the time…
So I might have had a couple Pabst down on the farm (wife’s family, fridge full of Pabst, insert your Deliverance image “here”) one sunny afternoon. Actually, I think it started to drizzle, anyway…so the conversation comes around to stupid bets. It’s tossed out by my uncle Gary “like the Saltine bet…gets em every time…” Saltine bet? What the hell was he talking about? “What the hell are you talking about Gary?” He looks at me as if I didn’t grow up on the farm (which I didn’t) “you know, 10 Saltines in 1 minute…can’t be done…” I look at him with a Pabst buzz and say “…so let me get this straight, 10 Saltines, 1 minutes and all I have to do is eat them? And that’s the bet?” He looks right back at me “$100 says you can’t do it…” Well holy crap, we’ve got a wager about to happen.
So this is where women add another level of misunderstood ignorance. My wife was present for this whole exchange, or was it she only came out from the house when she (with her bionic ears that I KNOW she got instead of that teeth cleaning a couple of years ago…who goes out of state to have their teeth cleaned?) heard the possibility I was going to win $100 flat and that might be too exciting a thing for me so she MUST squelch that dream along with all the others!
So I wasn’t “allowed” to bet $100 on a deal that was sure to be the easiest thing I had done in the past week. They get 10 Saltines. We get a watch with a second hand. Someone has to grab a camera. 4. 3. 2. 1. I pop the first one in, then the second, then the third…now here I must interject that I must have been dehydrated from all the quality beer I was being served, that and the fact that I do not believe they were actually Saltines since Saltines use lard which I think would have helped me. Needless to say, I was dry as the Sahara by cracker 4 and lost the bet.
Kids, listen to uncle Andrew – Pabst + Farm + Bet = never a good idea.