I have to post about my boy having a killer soccer season, and I have to post my latest costume (to see previous years, click here) – but first I have to post this little animation I was just sent.

Funny as hell.

Other posts to come – tonight hopefully.

Simple little flash game, but damn if it isn’t fun to play!

Sheep Tranquilizer

My poor children. It’s as if they are wanting to start boxing, or mob enforcement. You know, starting the scars and black-eyes early to intimidate.

So I get home from soccer practice, pick up some junk food (take 3 of those miniature chicken sandwiches, some shrimp-fried-rice and a 7UP), pop in the new Batman Begins and attempt to relax in the basement. It’s 8pm, the littlest one should be on her way to bed.

“(patter of little feet) dada, dada, DADA…”
“Hi honey. Want to watch with me?”
“Okay. Alright.”

So it becomes a family affair as soon as the wife discovers the little one got downstairs. Ty on the chair, me with my mound of junk, and the little one in between me and the wife under a rather large quilt. As I’m watching and eating I don’t notice my daughter squirming next to me attempting to reach towards the coffee table – neither does me wife. The sound that came next is hard to describe in words. Think: Thud + Wham + Clunk + Holy SHIT my kid just hit her fucking head on the wooden coffee table and didn’t my OTHER kid just get rushed to the emergency room for possibly breaking his nose – kind of sound. Then eerie silence. Then explosion of horrific screams.

So she just missed her eye (thank god), is rather swollen, but all in all in great spirits. What next, the dog is going to walk into a bear trap?

No, this isn’t me after a drunken brawl on Saturday night licking my wounds (like I’d post pictures of that – ok, I might). No, this is what happens when you have children – anything!

As the story goes – he’s repeating it to every person at Children’s ensuring that his loving parents didn’t inflict the damage themselves (which I can respect to ensure there hasn’t been and abuse, but still it’s mildly unnerving). He was at Paradise Park, they were outside playing Putt-Putt, he was inbetween the slacker kids and the fast moving kids, he hits a “square shaped block on the ground…” and catches himself with his nose. Now, the swelling has yet to go down (it’s been less then 24 hours), but the doctors asked us to check to see if he in fact has broken his nose. My wife asks me frantically “What do we DO if it’s broken???” Ummm, watch him grow up with a crooked nose? That’s about it. Besides, it looks cool. By the time he’s 10 the story will go something like this “so there I was, 25 8th graders about to pounce, me being only 6 at the time, I had to think fast…thank god for that military training…it’s about all that saved me…”

So to this he got no staples, no stiches, and no shots – a good day in his mind. His reward? Cartoons, donuts, Wendy’s and a little extra room on his bedtime. Oh, and can you believe my wife had never eaten a Big Mac till last night?

Well this was one of those weekends I needed the entire week to figure out (since I was averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night). My cousin got married this past Saturday – I was the best man. Now, I could turn this entry into a very negative account of events that occurred up to the event, or I could concentrate on the ridiculous events that happen the weekend of. Not sure if family reads this so I’ll stick to the stuff that happened directly to me.

So it was a monsoon season apparently in the Annapolis area. Introduce a shit load of rain into an area that has been bone dry for weeks and you get flood issues. Thank god my rental was an AWD Saturn VUE, or so I thought. To save on money I stayed with friends locally (thank you very much). They live in PG County. THAT NIGHT over conversation it was mentioned “man, they just released a stat that PG County averages 40+/- car thefts a day!” So I think “wow, I should own a chop shop in PG County.”

After the rehearsal dinner at a bohemian restaurant in the sticks I get back to my friends house, grab a drink and pass out on the couch in the basement. At 6:30am I am awoken by the familiar sound of a distant car alarm…that can’t be MY rental car alarm…fuck, it is, isn’t it? So I walk upstairs, walk out in the storm, and see my rental blinking and honking. I hit the button to stop it. Walk around the vehicle, check out the interior, nothing. Now, for those that don’t believe it was an attempted jacking, there was NO lightning and NO tree branches.

**When you are out of town without your wife and two small children there are certain cardinal rules that are put into place (1) ALWAYS have your wedding ring (forgot mine because I was working out the night before – I swear, seriously) (2) ALWAYS drink more since you don’t have a disappointed finger shaking at you when you return home (3) ALWAYS sleep LATE, since for the past 6 years you don’t even know what sleep means**

So I’m awake now. I got about the day. Hang with my cousin who wanted to spend the day at the Scottish Festival in our KILTS (oh yes, I had to wear a kilt tux for the wedding – which I looked cool in, pictures later), but thanks to the rain that was out. Went to the wedding, had a lovely time. Gave a nice speech. Hung out with some cousins. Sent the groom off to a good start) All around good time.

I have an early ass flight Sunday AM, and I get back to where I’m staying by around 1:30am. I crawl downstairs, turn off the lights and make sure to set my alarm on my cell phone. At 2:15am what do you think happens? Come-on kids, if you’ve gotten this far I’m sure you can figure it out?? The FUCKING alarm goes off on my rental AGAIN! I go outside ready to draw blood. No one around, nothing wrong, I missed them. I guess they really wanted that Saturn. So instead of going back in and waiting by the window I drive around Silver Spring a bit, then drop the car off 6 HOURS EARLY and spend the rest of the time at BWI.

Lesson learned – pony up for the hotel and make SURE to rent a Vibe next time (who the hell wants one of those anyway).

So as I type in numbing pain from the “congestedness” of my kidneys I peruse past stupid things I’ve done in the past year. It kills time and makes me smile at my own stupidity; like the time…

So I might have had a couple Pabst down on the farm (wife’s family, fridge full of Pabst, insert your Deliverance image “here”) one sunny afternoon. Actually, I think it started to drizzle, anyway…so the conversation comes around to stupid bets. It’s tossed out by my uncle Gary “like the Saltine bet…gets em every time…” Saltine bet? What the hell was he talking about? “What the hell are you talking about Gary?” He looks at me as if I didn’t grow up on the farm (which I didn’t) “you know, 10 Saltines in 1 minute…can’t be done…” I look at him with a Pabst buzz and say “…so let me get this straight, 10 Saltines, 1 minutes and all I have to do is eat them? And that’s the bet?” He looks right back at me “$100 says you can’t do it…” Well holy crap, we’ve got a wager about to happen.

So this is where women add another level of misunderstood ignorance. My wife was present for this whole exchange, or was it she only came out from the house when she (with her bionic ears that I KNOW she got instead of that teeth cleaning a couple of years ago…who goes out of state to have their teeth cleaned?) heard the possibility I was going to win $100 flat and that might be too exciting a thing for me so she MUST squelch that dream along with all the others!

So I wasn’t “allowed” to bet $100 on a deal that was sure to be the easiest thing I had done in the past week. They get 10 Saltines. We get a watch with a second hand. Someone has to grab a camera. 4. 3. 2. 1. I pop the first one in, then the second, then the third…now here I must interject that I must have been dehydrated from all the quality beer I was being served, that and the fact that I do not believe they were actually Saltines since Saltines use lard which I think would have helped me. Needless to say, I was dry as the Sahara by cracker 4 and lost the bet.

Kids, listen to uncle Andrew – Pabst + Farm + Bet = never a good idea.

So, as a recommendation, when you have constant shakes, night sweats, lower back pain, and all around confusion – go see a doctor. I’m sitting here, in enormous pain, sweating though my clothes because I have a severe kidney infection. I haven’t been able to sleep, I’ve even broken out into hives (though, they’ve gone away since yesterday). Mind you, my boss is still on me about the projects that are piling up, even while I’m sitting here about to vomit…Corporate America sucks.

So, how did I get it? Don’t know. According to the doctor, they can build up and at the slightest moment hit you like a truck. I walked in from work, and literally passed out on the couch.

Water and Gatorade are my only hope in making it though the next few days.

If I hadn’t become a photographer who happened to become a designer who happened to become a digital art director I would have studied film. I adore the medium. Hell, I’ve written two partial scripts that I should really complete before I start on a new project I’ve been kicking around. I am privileged enough to have enough information in my head where as I can honestly say “Ask me anything related to photography and I can answer it…” I know a lot about a lot of shit, but photography is my golden concept. Film would be my second. At one time I had a DVD collection of well over 400. I have since pawned off many titles, but all in all I can hang with most on an intellectual level about the art medium of film.

OldBoy. I had read I needed to see it. I had read that it made many “must own” lists. I was anticipating it’s DVD release. I watched it last night and I must say, for a film to stay with me 24 hours later must really mean something. It was as if I was watching Taxi Driver for the first time – SE7EN – The Usual Suspects – To Kill A Mocking Bird. Films which I hold in the highest regard. I explained the plot to my wife tonight and she looked at me in awe. The story is such that captured my imagination to express perhaps a minute reflection into my own work. It’s been a long time since something has hit me so hard. Rent it. Own it. Watch it multiple times. Even if you don’t “like” it the staying power is insane.

Since we’re here on this subject, lets allow some other titles that you may have never heard of but should:

City of Lost Children (French)
Dellamorte Dellamore
Charade
Way of the Gun
Insomnia (the ORIGINAL people, the ORIGINAL)
Shallow Grave

According to WashingtonPost.com this is the new “it” PDA to have for gamers this coming October: Gizmondo. Seems you can get it currently in the UK. See, that’s what I’m looking for – not only do I have to deal with crazy drivers on cell phones, reading the newspaper, smoking (ok, you got me), or beating thier children who are in the BACK seat, soon we’ll see a new breed of idiot drivers: People who play games while they pretend to be paying attention.

And you know what, I’m going to aspire to be one of those new idiots!

Just one of those days for cool shit I guess. Glenn Feron does some amazing retouching work. Some of the best I’ve seen. Check out his portfolio – amazing work.

And no, I’m not posting this as an endorsement of exaggerating the female form which society seems necessary to distort which will most likely give my daughter an eating disorder by the time she’s 10. BUT, most people forget that a photograph is an illusion in itself. I can make you look a thousand different ways by use of lighting, lenses, filters, film and even different cameras. It’s all fake, not real, and a manipulation. Mr. Feron does it after the fact, where I was taught to do it up front. But damn some of those women are smoking!